The Downside to Boob Armor

Fantasy armor and femininity. Fun topic, huh?

College Humor's recent short on the subject makes for a good laugh. It got me thinking on the subject though, in relation to my endless search for attractive armor.

 

I tend to struggle with armor in games, because I will always play as a woman if I am given the option. I simply prefer to play as a female. (Even when I was a little girl, I'd be wondering why there were only two female Power Rangers, or why there was only one woman I could kick ass with in the original Mortal Kombat, until the second one, where three more were introduced. I didn't want or expect an all woman roster in the shows and games I was into. It just bugged me that they were always outnumbered. Just had to get that out there. Back to the topic at hand.)

Pictured: the Topic

When it comes to female armor, I am almost always at a loss. Games with female armor are usually in one of two camps: the "realistic" or the ridiculous. The 'realistic' essentially believes that women would just put on armor designed for men. After all, even though this is a world in which women fight, why would they want or need anything different than the menfolk? The ridiculous plays right into the hands of the concept of the male gaze. Women are dressed for the benefit of their male companions - most importantly, the player who is assumed to be male. They are there to look sexy to the observer, having armor that is essentially useless when put into a battle scenario.

Don't believe me? Rooster Teeth tested it out with Ivy and Sophitia from Soul Calibur.

 Many of the games I play will give you lots of options in bulky plate armor, but they look huge and awkward on their female bodies. I tend to play as rouges rather than tanks, so I want to maintain the illusion that my character can move around swiftly without sounding like an Everything Must Go sale in the kitchen section of a Bed Bath and Beyond. I want something that is attractive, but obviously functional as armor.

Functional - definition: not this.

Outside of what gender I play, I like having attractive and custom armor. I like mods that let me pick and choose the aesthetics of the game I am playing. Custom eye colors, hair styles, and of course custom clothing and armor. If I'm going to be staring at the outfit for hours on end, I'd like it to be something that appeals to me.

 

Thus, my dilema. See, many (if not most, depending on the game) mods will give you the ability to role play that Battle Stripper you've always been dreaming about, but not much else. I gave up on looking for mods in Oblivion for females, as most of what I found were focused on giving them breasts that are individually larger than their head and next-to-nothing to wear to cover them up. 

Oh, and the argument that it's to maintain their agility is BS. You can maintain your agility while still covering your vital organs and wearing something that won't cause your ta-tas to fall out. Boob flashing is most likely not going to be a very effective form of self defense if the person you're fighting really does intend to kill you. 

Now, I'm not going to say that super "sexy" female armor shouldn't be available - far from it. What right would I have to demand that sexy armor mods not exist simply because they don't fulfill the needs I'm looking for? Hell, I've even contributed to the sexification of female armor in art, albeit my motivations were more out of humor rather than fappery. 

My take on the "mage's robes" from Dragon Age.

I just wish there was more variety. I wish there was something in between the very masculine and the grotesquely masturbatory "feminine". Those designs to exist.  

These armors: Protection + being hotter than you ever will be.

So there. Rant over, I suppose. I guess I just need to take some time to learn to make my own armor mods, so I can kick ass as a woman who doesn't look like she's just there to encourage splooge production.